I sit in a cubicle of sorts nowadays. It is an open floor, but it''s me and 3 other people in our little square. Our backs face the inside of the square, and the desks form two of the parallel walls. A giant set of windows forms the third wall, and the fourth wall opposite the windows is removed. But there I was this morning, sitting at my desk, minding my own business. The guy and girl behind me were talking to each other fervently. The girl called out my name. I turned around.. and then they both started blabbering at me fervently at the same time trying to ask me a question. The guy was practically yelling because he was trying to talk over the girl. Startled and confused by the noise, I instinctively threw up a hand ,shaking it left and right, motioning to stop and said "shhhh!" When they both shut up I quickly explained that I can't understand the two of them talking at the same time with them trying to talk over each other. 
I never do this. Like ever. It is the second time this week that I have done this though. I've made a mental note both times I've done it.. Asking myself why on earth did I use shh and not words. There is a reason. It's because I'm never heard and I'm always talked over just like the guy was doing to the girl.
Later today the girl told me that I shouldn't shh people. At first I felt bad because I was already feeling bad for doing it. Does she really think that I am unaware that it's not really socially acceptable to shh someone? I've done it twice out of the 8 months I've been around them. Yesterday to her alone and today to the both of them. And she really thinks I need to be told that? I thought about it all day. Because I've been so frustrated since yesterday's encounter with her. There's some issue with communication among all of us. And it's not an English barrier. I'll be the first to call bullshit on that one. The guy is the only one who can use that because he sucks at talking period. But SHE should know that you shouldn't talk over someone else. She complains all the freaking time about another woman in our square talking too loudly. SHE comprehends it as "yelling" at her, but the woman is just loud in general. What a hypocrite to then yell over me yesterday when I was attempting to explain something to her that she asked me a question about! If she would have let me finish speaking and actually listened to what I was saying, we wouldn't have talked in circles for half an hour. I shouldn't have to raise my voice to be heard. I shouldn't have to try to talk over someone. I shouldn't HAVE to shhh someone in the first place. Did she ever think about that? If the girl and the guy would stop being so self-righteous for a second and think about what is happening from an outsider's perspective, they would see that I did it for a reason. Because I had no other choice. Why add a third voice to the commotion that they were creating? I didn't even have time to process what was happening! I literally turned around because she called my name and they started shouting questions at me. What was I supposed to do? It was jarring. I had a knee-jerk reaction. Get over your pride. If you have to be shh-ed, so be it. No matter how I tell you to shut up, you're going to be butt-hurt about it. 
Since I had all day to myself to think about the situation, I thought about if I was in his shoes and had someone shh me, and I honestly would feel embarrassed that someone felt the need to shh me. I might get upset that they shh-ed me, but the heaviest emotion I would feel is embarrassment for needing to be shh-ed. Either side of the story I would feel bad, but not them. No. They just think, how dare she shh me.
The girl and the guy are the worst listeners in the world. They both just need to shut up and actually listen to what is being said. Then no one would have to try to speak over them, no one would have to re-explain themselves over and over only to get nowhere, and no one would have to resort to shh-ing. It's like they hear that you're saying words, but they aren't actually trying to understand what you're saying. The sound is reaching their ears, but the words are not reaching their brains.
And I don't need lessons on how I should have made the two of them shut up. "Well you could have said 'wait a minute' or 'hold on a second'" NO. I'VE TRIED THAT. When I'm talking, the two of you just interrupt me at the same exact place when I have to start over because you rudely interrupted ME. 
I have no more patience for them. I have held my tongue for them for 8 months, and I have not received the same respect. They don't deserve that from me anymore. THAT is why I shh-ed the two of you. Because YOU don't know how to talk to people properly. NOT me. YOU.
I thought about how I should address future situations. I could be inappropriately and underhandedly rude by taking their advice to a new level. I could just wait for them to finish whatever the hell they think is so important to interrupt me with and say, "okay, now are we ready to actually listen to what I am trying to say or are we going to just interrupt me again before I can actually say it?" or "are you ready to listen now and let me finish?". Something of that nature. I would be using words as asked after all. Or even better, hold up a marker and say, "this is the speaking marker, and whoever is holding it is the only one who gets to speak, okay?" I could take the stone cold approach and just ignore the person that interrupts me. No matter what I feel as though I lose. I'm going to be ignored anyway, so what's the point in speaking? In any case, I have the right to shh someone who is being rude. You get what you deserve.

He was an adventurer, full of spontaneity and childlike courage. Striking brows set off his darkly mysterious eyes, yet he had a welcoming playfulness in his gaze. Being the daring adventurer he is, he never turns down an exciting opportunity. He was driving a silver Jeep Wrangler through an unknown jungle.. powering through the brush and into a clearing. Here he saw a wide stream with crystal clear water flowing over rocks covered in green algae and fluffy moss. A quick survey of the clearing told him that he was by no means alone. There were a few people here and there cooling off in the stream, but there was just one way to cross it: go through it. There was a patch of stream a little farther down that looked like the only possibility of making it across. The rocks were much larger here, so this is where he was going to make his move. He had traveled off-road up mountainsides before, so these rocks were mere child's play to him. Upon making his way to the rocks, he noted that there was a slight downward slope in the gradient. Nevertheless, he continued onto the rocks. They were quite large, and they seemed sturdy enough to handle the Jeep. He slowly made his way across this broad river, and when he reached the middle where the rocks were most slick.. he got stuck. This was normal to him though, so he wasn't alarmed in the slightest. He had been in stickier situations. He quickly climbed out of the car to assess the situation, and once he formulated a plan to get out of the rocks he made his way back into the car. However, before he could even get into the seat.. the rocks began to shuffle under his feet. The rocks on the rear driver's side seemed to be sinking... and they were. They were falling because directly behind him was a drop off that was hidden by the thick foliage, and under the rocks was a waterfall. The jostling from the scaling Jeep coupled with its weight had unsettled the perfect placement of the rocks. As the rocks began to fall, he hurried to get in his car and move it. He hardly had time to turn the wheels before the rocks and the river caused the Jeep to slip backwards towards the mouth of the waterfall. He realized.. that he needed to get out of the car immediately, but the tumbling rocks prevented him from opening his doors. He then began frantically crawling out of his window desperately trying to escape sure death. He was almost completely out of the car when it started slipping off of the cliff. It was dragging him down with it as he flailed at the rocks around him in a panic trying to find something to grip. He was inches from the ledge when two hands firmly clasped his left arm as the car fell to its demise. The adventurer was frightened and bewildered and grateful all at the same time. When he finally looked up at his rescuer.. he realized that it was a heroine. She had seen his car slipping as she wandered through the wilderness, and immediately rushed to aid him in any way possible. Upon second look.. he didn't quite understand how such a petite girl could hold him with such small stature and especially such small hands. She was stronger than she looked though, and she began to slowly pull him up whilst he shimmied up the ledge. It proved much harder to do with the stream pouring over the both of them, and it was a strenuous task.. He made it up alive though. The girl helped him stagger over to the edge of the stream where he could rest on some rocks. He was about to thank his rescuer, but he paused between the "thank" and the "you".. a small hiccup. His eyes narrowed as he analyzed her.. He recognized her.. from somewhere.. but he couldn't place her. He saw it on her face that she recognized him too, and she had the same hiccup in speech. They sat on the rocks staring at each other when his eyes began to close sleepily. He was suddenly on his stomach passed out, and that's when she saw the cut on the back of his head. He had been hit by a rock as he was escaping his vehicle, and the water and physical exertion caused him to lose a lot of blood. She instinctively removed the t-shirt covering her undershirt to rip off the sleeves and hem to fashion a bandage. It wasn't much, but she was lucky she even decided to wear the t-shirt that day. It was supposed to be uncomfortably warm, but she didn't like to wear tanks by themselves. Today, her shirt came in handy, and by the time she had his wound dressed he started coming around again. She rested his head on her lap, gently touching his hair to soothe him, when a local man came over to the two of them. He asked her if he was alright. She informed him that he would be just fine after some rest and maybe some stitches. Then he asked if she had met him before, and she replied, "No... but I'm glad I finally did."

Joy, sadness, shock, awe, admiration, jealousy, regret, desolation, desperation. It's a lot to feel at once, so I go into bionic mode. I map out my day and go about my business checking off the to-dos like a marathon runner counting down the miles to the finish line. There are moments of these days that I really enjoy, but most days run together because they're so similar. I imagine it would be akin to fishing. I have only been once, and I was very very young. I still have the fishing rod and gear box full of tackle and fishing lures actually. I have no clue as to what kind of fish for which they are used to catch however. I know I wasn't very good at fishing back then because I was too boisterous, but I think I'd do fairly well if I gave it another try now. I remember my grandpa showing me how to cast.. which was quite dangerous because I nearly hooked myself and everyone around me trying to cast my line.. and then telling me to stand and wait for my bobber to wiggle on the surface of the water. That took a lot of waiting though... and I didn't have the patience then. I remember asking over and over when I would catch a fish, and I remember my grandpa telling me that none of us will catch anything because I was scaring the fish away by being so noisy. I didn't understand then, but I did manage to catch a small fish despite my big mouth. The wait was long and dull, but as soon as I felt a tug on my line I was really excited. The moments of my days that I enjoy.. are like the little tug of a fish caught on my line, but the wait... the long, uneventful wait.. is the rest of my day. When I caught my first fish.. I was afraid of it. I had it out of the water on the end of my line, and it was wriggling furiously. I didn't know what to do with it, and I most certainly didn't want to touch it. So little child me whirled around with rod in hand yelling in excitement and looking for direction. I almost hit my grandpa with the fish and he yelled at me to stay still so he could take it off of the hook. When he did, he let me get a good look at it while he held it int the water, and he put it in my hands so I could feel what it was like to hold a fish. It was scary.. just because it was so strange. Like a cat licking your hand. It was a bizarre feeling. I immediately commanded my grandpa to take it back, and when he did I asked if we were going to keep it. He told me that we were going to fry it up and eat it, which was definitely not true because it was far too small to make any sort of meal. Instead.. we let it go. I was so happy to catch this fish. I held it, asked to keep it... but set it free with a heavy heart instead. It was just a little fish, but I caught it. It was mine, and I wanted to keep it. I asked why I couldn't have it, and my grandpa told me that it was because I had to put it back so someone else could catch it. He had described fishing as a sort of game, but I didn't like the sound of catching a fish and not being able to keep it. He told me that that wasn't always the case, but that this time the fish wasn't mine to keep. Little did I know that it was against the law to catch and keep (or cook) the fish in the park.... but I guess it's hard to explain catch and release regulations to a 6 year old.

I felt like something bad was going to happen all day today. I felt the floor rumble as I washed my face and thought some sort of disastrous event was taking place. I even got that nervous butterfly feeling in my stomach. I went through a few scenarios in my head... a sinkhole suddenly devouring the earth beneath my feet in the garage, swallowing my car whole and working its way up to me. Maybe the Mayans were only slightly wrong about the end of the world. Maybe a car crashed into the garage or maybe even the garage a few units down. Then I thought maybe it was a car crash. Or maybe a tree falling. The first and last seemed most plausible because all the others required a lot more noise, so I went downstairs to check everything. Nothing had fallen.. my car was still there and there was no gaping hole in the earth.. no trees and crashed down. Maybe I imagined it? My mind still went through all the thoughts though.. it just kept going. What would I do if those things had happened? Call 911.. call my friend that I am staying with.. call home.. what if I didn't get a chance to do that? What if those things make the floor crumble under me or the ceiling cave in on me? I think I would survive.. I was in the middle layer. I'd survive the weight of the debris from the top floor if it collapsed.. And I think I'd survive a one-floor fall. Maybe not a sinkhole though. What if I HAD been fatally injured.. or worse.. How would the people in my life be affected? I don't think many would miss me. Definitely not for long. I'm pretty forgettable actually. I'd be pretty content with my conclusion being here though. I've experienced a lot. I've made many strides. I wouldn't have to worry about finding a job or a house or a spouse or debt. It would be the easy way out though. So I made a sandwich and watched Love It or List It. Because I've recently taken a liking to HGTV.

For people who don't exist
For friendships that actually last
That I had said I love you
That my heart would stop aching
That I wouldn't be used
That I could have met you
That I weren't so selfish
That I weren't so mean
That I were prettier, smarter, better
That I were worth the time of day
That I weren't just another notch on a belt
That I weren't a nobody
That I weren't judged
That I were treated like a person not a piece of tail
That I could break bad habits
That I would stop digging myself into holes
That we could be friends
That we could talk and laugh and discuss our problems together
That I had a person to confide in and understand me
That my person wouldn't leave me
That I never had to say goodbye
That I could find a doppelganger for me
That things would turn out right once in a while
That I could get that fairytale ending
That wishes came true.

t's strange, you not being here. I thought you'd always be here. But now you're not, and it's hard to grasp. The smallest things make me miss you. I get a feeling of emptiness when I'm alone now because you were always there before. Even if you weren't saying anything, you were there. I remember the last thing we talked about. It was so stupid. I wish I had said something more meaningful. More touching. More worthwhile. Something. Or maybe I should have said a proper goodbye. I never got a chance to do that even though I probably should have since it was pretty inevitable. I just didn't want it to be true.. I regret not telling you that I love you. I sent well-wishings your way, but I didn't send the love. And now I'm kicking myself for it. Because you're not here, and I can't tell you how much you meant to me. Even though it didn't seem like it a lot of the time you meant a lot to me. Now I can only hope that you just knew that I loved you. That you just understood that. You were the childhood friend that I never had.

I breathe in
slowly, calmly
but the oxygen I desperately need 
is absent
There is no refreshment, 
no quenching of my thirsty lungs.
There is only ineffective breathing.
The air is stale in my lungs.
Now I'm gasping, gulping.
No matter how hard I pant
the intake is ineffective.
I am drowning in air.
I am smothering
by my own existence.
or rather, lack there of.
All the while,
I am growing numb.
Numb to the pain and suffering.
I am fighting for breath,
struggling, gasping...
sinking.
I am drowning.
And no one can hear me.
Not a soul to save me.

He texted me on Saturday night... the last time we texted was a couple of months ago, and we talked in circles just like the other few month intervals. We always end up apologizing to each other, and I'm just like.. well alrighty then, that's that. He's always like.. so what now? All I have to say to him though is that we continue going about our lives. Last time he said "we could try to be friends" and I said alright, knowing very well that those were empty words. And they were because we still walked around avoiding each other and if we happened to cross paths we would pretend the other didn't exist. At the end of our last discussion/ apology session he said that he felt as though he had more that he needed to tell me, but for now he was going to get some sleep. I said alright, and he never texted me. So before Christmas break I asked him what else he had said he wanted to tell me, but he said he forgot what it was. I figured it wasn't anything important, so I just brushed it off.
Then Saturday night get a text from him saying "I've had this text saved in my phone for a while now so I figured I would just send it and get everything out there. You know how I told you I felt I had more to say but couldn't remember what it was but said if I ever did remember I would tell you?"
I said "Yes"
He said "okay you are about to get a lot of tests. So just bear with me."
"Well I remembered. It's been on my mind for a while now. I don't remember when it happened while we were dating but one night I had a dream about you. It started out really nice. We were somewhere I didn't recognize but it was just you and I on a couch. Then we started making out and eventually started having sex. It freaked me out. I knew I didn't want to go that far before I was married, but somehow the thought kept crossing my mind when I was with you. It was why I was afraid to tell you I loved you. I wanted to tell you that I loved you a few times, but I didn't know if I just loved you for our physical relationship of if I loved you for something real. Like after the night in the honors house (he touched my cheasticle.. just bra) I really started to rethink our relationship. It was less than a month we had been dating at that point. And yet we were already doing things like that. And I just told myself that you were fine with it so I should be too. Which made me hate myself. Because I couldn't hate you. I was the man in the relationship and I needed to be stronger than some lust filled teenager who just wanted to hold and caress his girlfriend. Which is why I wanted to talk to you the night you read the bible verse off of my ring while you were working in the library. But you told me that you didn't want to break my promises to myself. Which made me really happy. Then at some point the dream happened. It was after we both got back from the break (Christmas) and spent time in the lobby (a lot off feeling-up happened then. Not chest, but a lot of snuggling too). I remember you showed up in really short shorts and a shirt (I had JUST gotten back from a track meet). But you looked incredible. We started talking and making out and always ended up laying next to each other. Which became like a game really. Like if we couldn't have sex then why not just pretend to start the motions. Which at one point led to talking about your underwear (because he had slipped his hand down the back of my shorts at one point) and how soft it was. and it was soft. like your bra that night in the honors house. or like your skin always was. But I knew then that nothing had changed. And I just started to think more. Then the dream happened and I just couldn't stand the thought of it anymore. Even when we broke up and tried to start over I just wanted to hold you again. Which is why most of those talks (while I was sitting on his lap) resulted in me laying my head on your breasts and starting to kiss you (on the neck) but never actually doing it (on the mouth because I wouldn't let it happen). And I figured if we never talked about sex then it wouldn't be a problem since it wouldn't be an option. And it never was but the actions leading up to it were a problem. I couldn't do it. I couldn't risk hurting you. And I couldn't risk saying I loved you if I didn't mean it. But I didn't want to break up with you because I really enjoyed it. I had a girl who was crazy about me. A girl who was always excited to see me. A girl who even at the end of the day could just sit in silence with me and let me hold her. So I treated you badly in hopes of pushing you away. But I never wanted to happen. I treated you badly to try and push you away because I couldn't have the strength  to take myself out of the situation. I mentally blamed it on you. I said you came to the lobby dressed that way on purpose. And after all you didn't mind if I grabbed your breasts because you wanted to touch more than that (which I later explained to him was false). I kept replaying the image of you telling me "they are just there" when I told you I wasn't going to kiss below your necklace (which I also later explained that I said as an attempt to make them less important.. to deemphasize them). And I used that for more justification. I just couldn't bring myself to admit I was the one in the wrong. Heck even in the lobby my hands were down the back of your shorts. I just couldn't stay away from your touch. And I was stupid and immature and blamed you for all of my actions. And I don't know if this rambling is even making sense anymore, but I am so sorry for everything I did to you. Even now I feel like I'm trying to apologize to be able to forgive myself for what I did. Been that long and I haven't really changed apparently. I'm just gonna stop now for a while and give you the opportunity to reply if you want."

After he said all of that, and I told him that I thought and worried about the same things. Like how I felt bad the night I left the lobby because I noticed how he was being really touchy feely.. which he had said he didn't want to do. I told him that I kept thinking things like I should have gone to my dorm and changed out of my shortie shorts from the track meet before I came to see him or that I should have left when I had suggested that I leave. Which I did. When I noticed that he was extra touchy feely I said "I should leave, it's getting late" but when I got up to go he grabbed my hand and pulled me back. I told him that I should have voiced my concerns because I didn't want another honors house night to happen. It had really bothered him that he let his hands wander up my shirt, so I had been avoiding any sort of situation like that. I informed him that he just assumed that I was okay with lots of touching, but I told him, just as I had said when we first started dating, that I didn't want our relationship to be defined by how far we got. I reminded him that I told him many a time that I was perfectly fine with his boundaries. I told him that I never meant to made it seem like I was disappointed or anything like that because he didn't "put out". I told him that It was actually refreshing not having to worry about doing things like that. I told him that people have asked me several times if I was disappointed that we didn't do that sort of thing, and I always replied that I enjoyed that aspect of our relationship. And as far as being held, I never viewed it as starting any motions toward having sex. I liked it because I felt safe and happy in his arms. I told him that I was sorry that I made him feel like I wanted more out of our relationship, and I didn't help by saying dumb things like "they're just there". Yes they're just there for me, but I didn't mean it as an invitation I meant it as saying that they're not important. We talked in circles saying basically the same things as before. Saying what we did wrong, apologizing, and when I pointed out that we broke the same promises of communication I told him to stop hating himself because I forgive him. He said he knows I do and that he's glad I do and that he forgives me too.. and then he apologized again haha saying that he never intended for any of those things to happen. So I pulled the card he's been pulling every time we get to this point. I ask "so now what?" He said he didn't know and he asked me what I was thinking when I thought to ask what next. I told him that I figured we'd say that we could be friends again and do it all over again.. just ignore each other. He said "haha well at least you're honest" and said the same thought crossed his mind. I didn't respond, so 15 minutes later he said "but I hope not since we were actually able to discuss everything we wanted to for once"
I replied "Yeah.. I feel like we don't know how to talk to each other in person anymore though since we haven't REALLY had a conversation in person in almost a year. And the few times I Sat at the same table as you at the dining hall last semester I felt kinda bad because it seemed as if you tried to avoid any sort of direct communication and ever glances.. So I just let it be." He said "Yeah I kinda did. Okay I did. like I said here was this great girl who I used then forced away. So I didn't know what to say or even if I could look at you." I said "well I'm definitely not great, but I'm not going to bite you, I promise." He wanted me to elaborate on what I meant, so I said "be civil". He still didn't know what I meant so I said, "I meant be normal. As in if you decide that it's okay to communicate in person I'll talk back. I mean you don't have to if you don't want to, but I'm just saying it's always an option and I won't ignore you." He said that of course it's okay to talk in person and that he wouldn't ignore me either. I said "okay good". He must have decided that that was a good place to leave, so he said goodnight and that if anything else pops up he'll tell me about it. And then he said "wait no. question for curiosities sake. it's no big deal but did you block me from following you on twitter?" I did haha so I said "Yes.. I got a notification saying that you started following me and at first I didn't think it was actually you since you don't have facebood either. So I scoped out your profile and when I read your description thing I knew it was you. It didn't make sense to me as to why you would want to follow me since we don't even speak. Sooooo I blocked you because I was borderline offended." He said that he figured that that was what went through my head. Why should we be friends on a website when we couldn't be in real life. Then he apologized for that. 
I thought that would be the last thing.. but no. He asked an even worse question.
He said, "Okay last thing and I'll leave you alone.. do you still love me?"

I spent the last night of my winter break crying myself to sleep. I don't particularly enjoy crying, but this was one of those cries that you feel deep in your heart and all over. It was over many many things because that's how I work. I save the crying for one good crying fest, and I just cry about anything that has caused any sort of pain to me. The thoughts swirling around in my head at that time went a little like this:
I am lonely. I do fine by myself, I don't need anyone holding my hand while I take care of day to day business, but at the end of the day I am alone. And I don't like being alone all the time. I feel like I did when I moved in 4th grade. I had to change schools, and I had no friends. I tried to be nice, tried to make friends, but it wasn't working. I came home every day, did my homework, helped cook dinner, ate, helped clean up.... and then I was alone. Alone with just my books to read. I had no friends, and I came to that realization every night. I would cry in my bed, and when I couldn't contain the noise my mother would come in my room and ask me what was the matter. I remember telling her, "Nobody likes me. I don't have any friends, and I don't fit in." My mom held me and rocked me saying, "You'll make friends, and you'll make even more when you go to middle school. There will be more kids there, and you'll make a whole bunch of friends. I promise." These words were comforting then, giving me hopes of a better chance of fitting in. I couldn't wait to start middle school for this reason. I was sure that the combining of three elementary schools would guarantee friendships for me. But things didn't quite turn out as planned. I made a few "friends" but within a year we stopped talking even at school. I had a bus buddy, but then she moved. I still came home friendless, having no one to talk to. Lord knows I never got a word in at home with my sister there. Even if I said something I wouldn't be heard. There was even more crying myself to sleep in those three years because nothing had gotten better, and I felt invisible and unimportant. My mother promised me again though that everything would be different in high school. High school was the best time of her schooling; it was where she made all of her friends. High school came around, and I went through my freshman year with two people I considered friends even though we only spoke during school. One of them lives one street over from me. I could walk to their house if I was allowed, but I wasn't. So I only saw both at school. The next three years we had fewer and fewer classes together until I only got to see one of those friends solely because we were in the same home room and those don't change the whole time you're there. My mind was taken off of my lacking in friends through sophomore, junior, and half of my senior year because I was preoccupied with a boy. Then when he dropped me like a sack of potatoes, I saw yet again that I didn't have any REAL friends. Yes, I knew a lot of people. Yes, many people saw me as a happy, kind, funny, upbeat person that they found likeable. But that's not what makes someone your friend. Friends talk to each other, and not just small talk. They share thoughts, opinions, problems, stories.. not things like the weather. Friends are personal. I once heard a phrase that said, "Friends are like bras. They're close to your heart and there for support." I also saw a little ecard that looked a bit like this,

and it has summarized every "friendship" I have ever had. I have tried my darnedest, for every person I have ever considered a friend, to keep in touch. I wish them happy birthday, I try to strike up a conversation to see how they are, I go hug them and say hello when I see them randomly at the store, I make them hats and scarves and small trinkets for Christmas or their birthday or just because I was thinking of them and thought they'd like it. I do all of these things out of the kindness in my heart because as I have said many many times I LIVE by the golden rule. I treat people the way I wish to be treated. I don't expect anyone to do the things that I do because I get a bit excessive, but I hope that they see that I'm making an effort. All relationships whether it be friends or significant others require some amount of effort from both sides. When it is one sided, it is not a friendship. It is nothing but sad and heartbreaking for the one making the effort. That is me. It was me when I was a child struggling as the new kid, it was me in middle school trying to figure out who I am, it was me in high school trying so hard to find a place to fit in before it was too late, and it is still me, in college, surrounded by people who know my name and say hello when I flash a smile or wave but don't know a thing about me personally. The few that did get a glimpse of my innermost being.. I see them in passing, and we exchange hello's. I listen to people's problems and give the best advice I can, I let people vent to me about others that have ruined their day, I make people breakfast in bed, I turn in people's lab books at 6 in the morning so they don't have to drive to the campus just to drop it off when the office opens, I make people coffee and give it to them in class because I'm making myself some coffee so why not, I stay up all night helping people with their math that I took 2 years ago... I give more of my time to others than I give myself to sleep and eat. And what do I get? A slap in the face. I do all of these things for these people, but who is there for me when I'M having a bad day? No one. I know no one wants to see me cry. I know it is hard to see me upset, but when I come to you I am asking you to return the favor. I am here for you, and I need someone to be there for me. That means I have to talk about it. I can't keep myself from crying when I'm hurt. I'm hurt. My heart is aching because I don't have anyone but stupid boys that hit on me. I don't want a relationship. I want a friend. I just want to be friends. I had a track buddy that I worked out with and talked to, but she transferred and now I never hear from her. I had a jump buddy, my only fellow jumper, but he demoted me. Apparently we are only fellow jumpers. We are not jumping buddies, we are not friends. We are fellow jumpers. Everyone seems to assume that your teammates are all your friends because you make a sort of family, but we are NOT friends. We do not talk to each other outside of practice. We don't even sit together at meals. So if my teammates are not my friends, what am I left with? My roommate, who doesn't talk to me anymore because she sees me as trying to outshine her in everything. My suitemate, who is moving to another room because my roommate is so atrocious to her. My classmates, who are mostly commuters so I only see them in class. A long-distance "friend" that has a life of his own and need not be concerned with such plebeian ordeals as a blubbering, crying fool. And a handful of people here and there who I have either shared a class with, had a few dining hall meals with, or they have heard about my track stuff somehow. All of which require me to be the initiator. I am ALWAYS the initiator save for the long-distance fellow who was kind enough to initiate conversation a few times. It did not go unnoticed, and it was greatly appreciated. But I don't need to be bothering you. Back to what I was saying. I am the one who has to initiate communication with these people, and it is ended by them. Because no one wants to talk to me. 
What's wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? I am never good enough. Not for my parents, not for anyone. I have one, ONE, thing in my life that is oh so important to me. High jump. I know it is not the most riveting thing to watch. When there are a lot of people, it is very slow. I know this, but it is important to me. It is worth it to me. So when I invite people to come watch me, it is not because I want torture you and make you sit through something agonizingly boring. It is because it is something I love and wish to share. But no one cares about it but me. No one cares that it is important to me. I don't like the word hate, but I HATE when my coaches ask me if my parents are coming to see me at the meets. It never fails, they ask every meet, and every meet I say no. No my parents will not be coming. It doesn't bother me so much when my running coach asks me because I don't do much running until outdoor, but when my jumping coach asked me for the first meet of this season if my parents would be coming to see, it stung. It hurt to have to say no, and it hurt even more when he asked if they would be able to go to any of the outdoor meets. It hurt because I knew that the answer is most likely no, but I still stay hopeful and I said "Maybe.. I really don't know." I was so jealous at the first meet this season when a small group of students came to watch two people on the team. Just for those two people. They are part of a small circle of friends that drove 2.5 hours to come watch their first meet. Last year I invited some of my "friends" to one of my meets, and I couldn't even get them to come when it was 45 minutes away from the college. I guess it's a lot to ask, so just like in high school I've stopped asking. There was probably more that I cried about, but I'm drawing a blank because I'm tired.

To be continued..

Sleep. Just a little.. is that so hard to ask for? Apparently it is because every time I try to get a little shut-eye I am rudely interrupted. Why can't you be a little more considerate? If you know I'm trying to sleep, why on earth would you barge into the room. You know I'm a light sleeper, a VERY light sleeper. Every time I come in the room and I know you're sleeping, I creep in. I use best ninja sneaking skills to make my way to my bed and crawl in it. Is it too much to ask for the favor to be returned? In case you didn't know, it's EXTREMELY difficult for me to fall asleep in the first place, so your inconsiderate actions have only pissed me off so much that I can't even try  to fall asleep again. I was SO close to hitting that deep sleep, and you ruined it the second you manhandled the door open. And now all I can do is lie here and think of how unbelievably selfish and inconsiderate that was. I should expect it from you though because you are just as inconsiderate in the mornings. You know I'm sleeping in, because unlike you I don't get to rest soundly every night. Yet, you wake me up EVERY. FREAKING. MORNING. You just start talking to me as if I'm listening, and your babble eventually wakes me up. Either that or you come over and wake me up with your antics. You tickle my face with a hair or just get in my face and say what time it is. Whether it's 10:00 or 2:00 I don't care what time it is. If I want to know what time it is I'll look at the watch on my wrist. You also like to get in my face and say that it's time to get up. In case you didn't know.. it's not time to get up until I decide it is. I want to wake up on my own terms. So leave me alone. Even when I'm dozing off you won't leave me alone. I was dozing off at 8:30 tonight. 8:30. That should tell you something... I'M TIRED. But what do you do? You stick your fingers in my face and laugh when it startles me. It's not funny. I just want to sleep, and now I can't. I could have been asleep early like I had intended, but no. You only think of yourself, so thank you for robbing me yet again of a good night's rest.